Trey Zeigler...A Real American Hero

I was setting up my e-mail today in my new office when I stumbled across an old e-mail from a friend of mine from college. The e-mail, which dates from 2002, was written by Trey Zeigler, graduate of LSU Law School and now powerful attorney in West Monroe, LA.

Trey's sense of humor has always been a favorite of mine. Trey (in true lawyer fashion) can make any triviality seem of massive importance. He is in the best sense of the phrase...full of it. I have posted a portion of the e-mail below which was intended to announce one such insignificant event: the return of the cartoon G.I. Joe to TV.

Notice how Trey mulls over the overt political incorrectness of the cartoon (fully aware of it) and hints at its absurdities (such as the extraordinary fact that no one ever dies in any of the episodes). Reading Trey in praise of G.I. Joe reminds me of Student Government Association meetings gone by, when Trey would fillibuster on the lack of need and funds for a new bulletin board cutting device. I miss those days.

So here he is, former Freshman Class President (I have the campaign poster in my office)...Trey Zeigler.

Dear Friends,

It gives me great excitement to announce to each of you that G.I. Joe has triumphantly returned to The Cartoon Network weeknights at 11:30. To whet your appetites, I will give a brief synopsis of parts of the episode that aired tonight:

In one of the most original story-lines of the series, Cobra Commander and Zartan, one of my favorite characters, hatched a plot to create a super-weapon capable of reducing major cities of the world to lava. Because their evil brains did not possess the ingenuity to create such a destructive device, they decided to capture an Arabian scientist to aid them in their diabolical pursuits. In order to coerce the reluctant scientist into designing this weapon, Cobra Commander and Zartan equipped him with what appears to be a mind-control headband, which was, of course, outfitted with the official Cobra logo. (As a side note, I caught myself wondering whether Cobra trademarked their logo to keep competing terrorist groups from using it.)

Anyway, when I picked up with the episode, the Joes were braving their way through a dense, tropical jungle in search of Cobra’s lair. After narrowly escaping numerous "Cobra Traps"(as Duke put it), Duke was ensnared by a rather crude ankle contraption, resulting in him being hung upside down at tree level with a pack of crazed hyenas nipping at his head. (Don’t ask me how hyenas escaped from their natural, desert habitat to the tropical jungles of the world.) In an act of heroism (or stupidity) the silent, yet lethal, Snakeyes came to Duke’s rescue, and both miraculously escaped unharmed.

Further journey through the seemingly impenetrable jungle finally produced a valid lead for Duke and the rest of the Joes, as they happened across a Cobra patrol-boat. The Joes commandeered this vessel after subduing its crew. Amazingly, no casualties on either side were inflicted in this firefight. Wisely, the Joes decided to have the boat’s captain take them to Cobra’s secret lair. However, in a roll of the dice, the Joes actually donned the uniforms of the captured crewmen, in complete violation of the Geneva Convention. The result of this move, of course, was that, if captured, Cobra would be sanctioned by the Geneva Convention to EXECUTE the Joes as spies! (Incidentally, I don’t recall there being an exception to the Geneva Convention’s uniform requirement for the Joes. But on the other hand, it’s highly doubtful that such an insidious group as Cobra actually would abide by the Geneva Convention, assuming, of course, that they are a signatory.)

After venturing a good distance down the river, the Joes came upon what can best be described as an island fortress having an Aztec or Mayan pyramid look. (One thing you have to say about Cobra is that they’ve got some darn good architects; to be able to get such structural achievements up so quickly is much deserving of mention.) Without getting into anymore details, the Joes were, believe it or not, able to turn the weapon on Cobra’s own lair, resulting in the destruction of the architectural achievement along with the weapon itself. Fortunately, the Joes, after rescuing the scientist, made it out alive, however Cobra Commander and Zartan were able to escape to terrorize the world another day.

I know from this account none of you will be able to resist watching this TV gem in the nights to come. I hope each of you are doing well and that our paths will cross in the very near future. Take care of yourselves.

Yours in liberty,

Trey

Sorry, No Tears For Clemens

As the baseball media worships at the altar of Roger Clemens, crying in unison over his lack of run support this year, I try to join in...wait...no, I can't.

Yes, I know the Astros have been shutout in 6 of Clemens' starts this year, scoring only 5 runs in the 6 games he has lost.

But do you know how many times I've suffered through this stuff with Maddux?

Take 1992 for instance, the year he won the first of his 4 consecutive Cy Young Awards. He threw a ridiculous 268 innings* that year going 20-11 for the perpetually hapless Chicago Cubs. In his 11 losses that season, the mighty Cubs scored 8 total runs and were shutout 7 times.

So stop crying. Maddux has endured this mess his whole career.

* Maddux's 268 innings lead the Majors that season by far. To put it in perspective, if Chris Carpenter (this year's current innings leader) were to throw complete games in all of his remaining starts this season, he would still fall 20 innings short of Maddux's '92 mark.

Signing Off

On August 19th, in a rant about the Cubs' latest "missed sign" blunder, I wrote the following:

"What is Baker's sign system? Does it involve some sort of telepathy? Is it actually sign language for the deaf and hard of hearing? Does it involve toothpicks or wristbands? Whatever it is, it must be beyond comprehension. The CIA would have trouble cracking it."

In today's game against the Cardinals there were at least three obvious situations in which the Cubs missed signs. I don't have the patience to describe each situation, but I would like to relay several of the Cubs' postgame comments from today.

Manager Dusty Baker on today's missed signs:

We keep going over them and over them and over them. It seems like the same guys [are] missing signs. We keep going over them. You've got to have the signs by Sept. 5. It's very frustrating...[Ronny Cedeno] thought he saw a sign and that wasn't the sign that was given...That's why it's important that you get the signs. He didn't get the signs. Walker thought he saw a sign, too, and didn't see it. Hairston didn't run and Cedeno didn't swing.

Let's see, Spring Training begins in March. On September 5th, the Cubs still don't undertstand Dusty's signs. Perhaps the U.S. Defense Department should hire Dusty to write code.

Left fielder Jerry Hairston:

I didn't see anything. Maybe he put the sign on when I was putting my [arm] guard on or something. I really can't comment on it. Nobody talked to me about it...Cedeno mentioned something to me and it was in the process of me going out to left field. I don't know [if there was a sign].

Shortstop Ronny Cedeno on the same situation:

We got confused on the sign.

Second baseman Todd Walker on an entirely different situation:

Coach put it on and took it off. He put the sign on -- I'm not making stuff up. He took it off. As the sequence went on, I didn't see it.

I rest my case.